“You know, you are like Jesus”- HC when I served leavened bread

I want to familiarize you with all the transportation options we have in the land of 1000 hills. It has been a pleasure getting to know most of them. First of all, let me tell you that Rwanda has 4 classes of roads:

Class I: nice, paved roads. Like “damn, are we in a developing country?” nice.
Class II: paved but with potholes the size of Lake Victoria. A lot of these roads are in the south so at least every winding, bumpy journey promises a monkey spotting or two.
Class III: Nice dirt road. This is what I have at and around my site and is great except during the dry season.
Class IV: Say a prayer if it’s the dry season and you’re on this type of dirt road. Don’t even bother if it’s the rainy season, right Julie Ann? These roads are treacherous, bumpy and often steep. I’d rather walk.

So on these four types of roads, you have several transportation options.
1.    The white bus: these are nice, maybe 30 passenger buses that are common in Kigali and in between large towns. This is always your first choice. They only sit one person to each seat. This is a win-win-win situation for you Office lovers.
2.    The taxi bus or matatu: this is the most common form of transportation in Rwanda. They are small buses with sliding doors. The “seat” 19 but usually carry around 22. I like to count the number of people each time. These buses are extra special because they have unique messages painted on them supporting one team, singer or religion. Our favorites? Free T.I., Jesus is Caming, Jesus Cames, Thanks God, Why Clife, Michael Scofield and May God Befront Us. If I can incorporate math into this blog, I would say you have a 20% chance of riding a matatu with a screaming child. You have a 2% chance of every bag of potatoes being searched for grenades. You have a 10% chance of riding one with lots of smelly fish. I have a 50% chance of being seated in the front with the driver. And finally, a 5% chance of getting your phone stolen. Though I love matatus, I am terrified of dying in a fiery explosion while trapped inside a small metal cage with 21 other people. That’s why I pull the muzungu card and hop in the front seat. At least that way I can see what’s coming. It’s standard to text other volunteers and tell them how awful your matatu ride is. The other day, I had the matatu ride from hell during which I was in a matatu for 2.5 hours (for a 1 hour trip) with 16 people and:
a.    10 purses
b.    a dozen buckets
c.    approximately 20 boxes of food
d.    tin roofing
e.    sugar cane
f.    lots of toilet paper
g.    about 20 rubber boots
h.    a child
i.    about 50 lbs of peanuts
Then we got a flat tire.

3.    The green bus of death (see above): most of our towns are lucky enough to have their own Onatracom bus from Japan. It is much easier for me to remember it as the green bus of death. I fear you could tip one of these buses over like an oversized-green domino and down the steep mountain it would go. These huge buses probably roamed the earth with Gigantasaurus and T-rex: they are that old and that big. One time I was riding one of these with probably 100 other people. My body was touching 7 people at one time and the smiling man above me was literally dripping sweat onto me. During this journey, I attempted to have an out of body experience as to escape to my “special place”. Still, the green bus of death is a place of class and chivalry. Men will fight to get me on the bus and get me a nice seat. I appreciate that. It’s also really cheap and the expressions on people’s faces when they see a white person on board are priceless.
 4.    The taxi car or imodoka: You can often catch a sketchy ride in one of these sketchy cars for a decent price. It’s like low ridin’ with Snoop in one of those cars with hydraulic lifts (I’m not sure what they’re called) because it is so bouncy. This is a generally pretty fast method of transportation.
5.    The moto: Motorcycles are frowned upon by Peace Corps because they have caused many deaths and injuries. (Un)fortunately, my site is mainly accessible by moto so I ride motos when the green bus of death or a matatu are not available but I have to get to Kigali for a meeting, the doctor, etc. A moto, though prohibited for PCVs, is the best way to see this country. I would recommend it to all non PCVs. So before you get on a moto, make sure you have your own helmet. My Peace Corps approved helmet is aerodynamic, flashy and a hot item to steal because, believe me, people have tried. Some moto rides cause intense abdominal workouts, some drivers talk on their cellphones, some insist on talking to you. It really depends.
6.    The bicycle taxi: Rwanda, despite its hills, has an admirable biking culture. These men groom and treasure their bikes. Most are pretty tricked-out with lights, reflectors, pegs and colored tape. Bikes can be used to transport people (ladies ride side-saddle on the back) or to transport HUNDREDS of pounds of produce. I am not exaggerating. When one of these bikes tips over, the poor rider has to summon help from bystanders to right the heavy bicycle. I have only seen two women riding bicycles but I am told most know how to ride them.
7.    All other vehicles are reserved for government officials, foreigners, schools and the rich. It is difficult to catch a ride in one of these unless your last name is Figure Skating.*
8.    The last option is to go by foot. This is pleasant and standard for short distances. Rwandans are still amazed to see me on foot. Riding a car or moto is a status symbol and they expect someone like me to never walk anywhere. In Kigali, the women wear flashy heels because they do not walk anywhere.

*inside joke. I hope to be a part of one someday.